Radio Horizontal

It may be that some of you feel that the end of year million pound bonuses paid to committee members cannot be justified. I am here to tell you that they certainly can. The sublime talent and extraordinary dedication of each member of the central committee enriches your worthless lives in ways you could never appreciate. We work tirelessly—sometimes for a whole hour at a stretch—here in Fortress Horizontal creating wealth in the club in ways I simply don’t have the space to go into here, unfortunately. So: I am obliged to issue a warning. If there is any more unjustified criticism of the paltry sums involved, my fellow committee members and I have resolved to resign en masse to await the flood of overseas offers that our global reputations merit.

In the meantime— Happy New Year and enjoy the January issue!

A Very Big Hello To…

Charles Kirkby: Malta

Charles Hancock: Lincs

Peter Shire: Vale of Glamorgan

Mark Jones: Shropshire

Mick Deakin: West Yorks

Peter Bennett: Swansea

Barrie Reid: Powys

Mark Fairgrieve: Scotland

Graham Holtum: Cornwall

Matthew Day: West Yorks

Stephen Knight: Nottingham

Welcome to all of these new members who have joined over the past couple of months. It’s great to have you on board. May I at this point paraphrase President Kennedy’s 1961 inaugural speech, I wonder? “Ask not what your club can do for you, but what you can do for your club”.

Delusions of grandeur? We?

Comrades’ Corner

Here are the dates for the shows at which Comrade Carl will be putting on a club stand in 2010:

4 April: Blackpool Classic Bike Show, Norbreck Hotel, Blackpool;

24/25 April: International Classic Motorcycle Show, Stafford County Showground;

4/5 July: VJMC Motorcycle Show, Uttoxeter Racecourse (including COC Rally);

8 August: Classic Car and Bike Show, Lytham St Annes;

16/17 October; Motorcycle Mechanics Show, Stafford Showground;

Comrade Carl does a great and at times lonely job as our roving goodwill ambassador, putting on a club stand and flying the flag. Who will help him? Your machine does not have to be mint condition or concours d’elegance. Go on, give him a hand.

Contact Comrade Carl on 01253 720327 or email: comrade

carl@tiscali.co.uk

Expecting snow? Here’s what you need. Get one now and hire yourself out to the Council!

Letters

Vehicle Operative Analysis Unit
University of Barnsley
Gifford Way
Barnsley
WF10 2FU

9th November 2009

Dear Sirs

You may be interested in long-term and ongoing research that the Vehicle Operative Analysis Unit of this university has undertaken. Using driver surveys and, latterly, hidden cameras we have been able to establish year on year driver focus transference statistics. This research was initiated some fifty-five years ago by the late Professor Ian Snee and has continued under his successor Dr Sir Malcolm Twist. I am sure that you will agree that the figures provide quite interesting reading.

The advance of technology and changing social trends are considered to be the most relevant variables impacting on the figures. For example you will note that whilst the habit of carrying farm animals in saloon cars has almost ceased the puzzling increase in dog ownership appears to suggest that some drivers are unable to apply sufficient attention to their driving due to the high incidence of canine excitement.

One of our conclusions is that in an era of ever advancing in-car entertainment and mobile phones drivers are able to consider the interior of their car merely as an extension of their front room. This phenomenon has been augmented by advances in driver comfort – for example heated seats and air conditioning. So it is now possible to negotiate a busy junction practically prostrate and one-handed whilst simultaneously making a phone call and listening to music. while at the same time apparently having absolutely no idea of actual road surface conditions or the difficulties other road users may be experiencing due to them. Add to this anecdotal levels of assumed superiority among car drivers and we can conclude that there is a case for re-education.

The driver focus research illustrated in the two charts below gives much food for thought 

Yours sincerely

V. Farrar
Research Assistant
Vehicle Operative Analysis Unit
University of Barnsley

Above is a Mark VII ST from the Colledge collection of postmodern motorcycle trailers housed in the Bauhaus North Centre, Dent, North Yorkshire.

Situations Vacant

Required for Russian motorcycle club newsletter: cartoonist. Must be able to draw side-splittingly funny cartoons on baffling technical topics. Ownership of Russian motorcycle not essential but sympathy with those who do desirable. Excellent remuneration package. Annual bonus. Staff Canteen. Luncheon Vouchers. Final salary pension. Flexitime. Black Sea Sanatorium holidays. 

Contact: Peter, Horizontal Personnel Dept.

(Anybody out there want to give it a go?)

A 211,000 KM M-61

From Our Siberian Correspondent

The speedometer on this M-61 Irbit now reads over 211,00 kms—and that figure is on the low side. The owner of the motorcycle Dmitry Paranok, from Kemerovo in Krasnoyarsk province, got it from his father who in turn got it from his father, Vasiliy Kondratevich.

“I’ve got about 14 motorcycles from an Izh 350 motorickshaw that they produced just for the Indian market to a Suzuki sportsbike” says Dmitry “But my ‘Irbit’ is dearest to me of all of them. My grandpa bought it in January 1960 so as far back as I can remember this bike has been around in the family.”

The M-61 came off the conveyor belt in December 1959. A few weeks later it appeared in Sports Goods Shop #15. And that’s where Vasiliy Kondratevich saw it. He bought it for 10,000 communist era roubles with 12 kilometres on the clock. It had ‘Irbit’ painted on the tank. A breakdown came after 3,500 kms. Vasiliy had literally to dismantle half the machine to get at an unrepairable assembly.

Apparently the oil pump drive connecting rod was round rather than square! A hammer helped temporarily to repair the unrepairable but when he got home Vasiliy decided to solve the problem more thoroughly. He got the chief engineer at the local airbase, a lieutenant-colonel in the local military, and a captain from the police to form themselves into a commission. They concluded that the breakdown resulted from a factory defect. The commission’s conclusion was sent to the factory in Irbit. By this time Vasiliy had received a reply he had sent to the monthly sports magazine ‘Behind the Wheel’ with recommendations on how to eliminate the problem for good. He didn’t have to undertake that because shortly afterwards he received a new engine from the factory.

“In the forty years since we put in the new engine” says Dmitry, “ we haven’t had any problems at all. My grandpa was an excellent mechanic and knew how to handle all the technicalities. He always said: ‘If you’re supposed to change the oil every 2000 kms—then change it every 1000!’”

“On our ‘Irbit’ my Dad and I have been to Krasnoyarsk city at least ten times (about 600 miles round trip—Ed) and that tests a motorcycle. You can squeeze about 90 - 95 kph out of it. This motorcycle is my childhood and my life. I was six years old when Dad first sat me at the handlebars. And even when I had grown up I would never let him sell it. This M-61 is a unique motorcycle.”

(Source: www.oppozit.ru Photo is not actual model.)

Horizontal News Joins The Fight Against Helmet Hair

A hairdresser by trade, Cindi Servante has made a major dent in the fight against helmet hair by developing satiny "Style Saver Scarves" to wear under your motorcycle helmet. "They're based on the concept of those satin pillows women used to sleep on to keep their hairdos in shape in the days when they used to all go and get their hair done once a week," she tells the Horizontal Fashion Team. Pictured is a "Haight Ashbury" with a paisley print, which is her favourite though the snake skin prints are just adorable, too. 

Before you put on the scarf you part your hair in the opposite direction, then slip it over. Because the fabric is so satiny, your motorcycle helmet just slides on over it, and when you take off your helmet you just flip your hair back to the way it's supposed to be parted and fluff a little and, voila, no more helmet hair!

At Maison Horizontale we believe that motorcycling should not mean the death of personal style. We believe you can ride a Ural AND look fabulous.

Next month: Mechanics’ Fingernails.

(Photo and some text courtesy of carlaking.typepad.com)