Radio Horizontal

Here at Horizontal HQ there have been unexplained comings and goings on the third floor which I felt required investigation. The President’s Conference Suite had been in constant use by a succession of shadowy visitors and there were rumours of late night revelries, showgirls and unlimited babycham. Naturally,

I turned to Olga Petrovna, who is in charge of samovar services throughout the building and whose samovar trolleys roll over every inch of our HQ. She confirmed my suspicions. There had indeed been an unidentified “delegation”. She could tell me little more than the few clues she had gleaned. They had high cheekbones, wore helmets with horns, and carried briefcases marked ‘U.M.’ There was little she could add other than that they spoke in a hurdy-gurdy language and drove at a constant 40mph.

Who can they have been, I wonder? I daren’t ask the President about such confidential matters but Olga Petrovna has promised that her team of Samovar Hostesses will find out before the March issue……. 

In the meantime the February issue is crammed with news, pictures, cartoons, articles, tech topics and one tough mouse. Yes, this is the editorial team that never sleeps. Next month’s issue: Rally Special (Probably).

Irbit Pilgrimage 2010

Once again Ural Motorcycles GMBH Austria is revving up for this summer’s Siberian tour—The Pilgrimage. Now a well-established item in the European Ural calendar the tour consists of a week-long ride through backwoods Siberia on a brand new Ural combo (and this year you get the chance to buy the one you ride). There is a tour of the Ural factory in Irbit, a chance to hang out at the town’s annual motorcycle rally—the biggest in Russia—and then there is the riding: highways, dirt roads and no roads to test all your skills; plus wild camping in a Russia that other tourists just don’t get to see.

You are accompanied throughout by Sergei Ziranow ex–all-Russia sidecar motocross champion and by ace combo pilot Birgit Krassnitzer. See article in Horizontal View spring 2009 for a description of the 2008 tour.

For further info about these tours go to www.ural.cc or email Birgit at office@ural.at

Northern AGM Update

Northern brothers and sisters have spent these past wintery months scouring their neighbourhoods for a suitable AGM venue. Many suggestions have been canvassed but few were felt to be worthy of a visit from our southern cousins. It is with relief then that I can reveal that a suitable venue has almost been finalized and will (probably) be revealed in the March issue. In the meantime HN has learnt that our southerly friends knowing little of the culture or demeanour of inhabitants of the North have decided that discretion is the better part of valour and will be coming as a group.

(See left) Still time to book your space!

Letters

Hi Peter,

Here are a few notes that you may wish to put in Horizontal News ... I recently bent a conrod on my Gearup while riding through quite a deep ford. All is well again now but it is quite a long job to change a crankshaft / conrod assembly so I thought that it would be handy to pass on some things that I have learnt so others don't have to learn them.

If water gets sucked into the engine then when the piston hits the water on the compression stroke it stops suddenly ... and can bend the conrod. Apparently if you slip the clutch while going through deep water then the clutch should take the force and your conrods will stay straight should you suck in water. If you take off the standard air filter and put those cone type ones straight on the carbs then the air (water!) intake is much lower

A few years ago I did some work on the clutch. Don't use thread lock on the screw threads or you'll never get them out again! The original centre punch method seems much better.

Finally through the club I found a replacement bottom end that I used to fix my engine. Thanks to Nick Amor, Steve Lyons and Bill Northcote for their help finding an engine.

Cheers to all,

Dan Barratt

The author of last month’s letter, Dr Vernon Farrar, has asked me to point out that I “carelessly”, as he put it, left the dates off his graphs. Dedicated as I am to the very highest editorial standards, I publish this correction without rancour. So: the ridiculous graph thingy on the right was of course from the 1960’s or whenever and the random blotch on the left from the present day. Or something….Or vice versa? As if I had nothing better to do…… And anyway it wasn’t me it was Leonid our chief subeditor.

My Favourite Tool

From Our Hardware Correspondent

I must confess that I have been a serial nine-inch angle-grinder owner, developing deep feelings for each. My first love, a Green Bosch, eventually burnt out, making that acrid smell that only burning out power tools can. Before its sad demise it had cheerfully chomped its way through numerous MZ, BMW, and Harley Davidson frames, usually involving the fitting of hard tails., but also the occasional raking job. This was in my gay chopper-riding youth ( Steady on, David, This is a family show—Ed).

My subsequent affair was with a Japanese grinder of reputable make, though, regrettably, its exact nom d’amour escapes me. Its target was mainly racing BMWs and Matchless trials irons, thought we did tackle together ubiquitous road-going BMWs , various sidecars and sets of leading link forks. Like Jilted John I was beside myself when it left me for another, along with all its little cousins, due to self-inflicted door security device/key interface deficit—I forgot to lock my shed.

My current abrasive paramour hails not from the orient but from the land of the Teutons, and is again verdant in hue. It reminds me so much of my past love that I sometimes gets its name wrong. It has vented its rage on mainly Russian and Soviet tackle, again supplemented by BMWs. An MZ trials bike also snuck in somewhere.

As with most passions, my affairs have been love/hate relationships. I have loved them all because they have cut through steel, especially frame tubes, like a hot knife through tofu based vegan cheese substitute. However, I undertake our sparky sessions (I fancied ‘steamy’ here as an alternative alliteration, thereby continuing the theme of lurve, which I have found difficult to sustain, but unfortunately no steam actually occurs and it would be taking poetic licence too far) with trepidation because they were all very aggressive machines that cast their vile mess all over me and all over everything else in our work space thereby incurring the wrath of others.

When we are in action I deck myself out in all-encompassing woollen headgear to stop the bits of grinding wheel going in my ears. And recently I’ve worn goggles—two trips to the hospital to have removed bits of hot metal from my eyeball were enough to teach even me a lesson. The four-hour wait to be seen was enough to do that, never the mind the discomfort. There is a man in these parts who goes by the name of “Fridge”.

Fridge has a golden eyeball. As attractive as it is I’d rather keep the two I was initially provided with.

Potential purchasers may find the following useful:

1. If you are going to buy an angle grinder buy a decent one;
2. Be careful you don’t set fire to your trousers. The latter can be taken as more general advice not necessarily pertaining to the use of power tools.

Dave Ramsden

Important Announcement! 

News Letter Archive

Dave Cox our very devoted webmeister writes: “As one year passes to the next all News Letters on the web site are normally deleted to make room for the following year. But as of February 2010 you can now access the old 2009 News Letters in an Archive file. This will be on the main news letter page at the bottom.”

(Please note that copyright in these important historical documents remains with Horizontal Publications Inc. which I am proud to represent as sole agent and any requests to reproduce out-of-date rally information and long-sold Market Place items will be treated as a welcome opportunity for ruthless profiteering. Ed)

Horizontal News Inc, Horizontal Tours Ltd, and Horizontal Publications plc are all wholly-owned subsidiaries of Horizontal Import/Export Holdings which is a primary holding company of Horizontal World Conquest Corporation, a charitable trust based in the Cayman Islands.

For further information please refer to Compa-

A Big Hello To New Members 

Roger Mossley: Glasgow

Brian Ross: Halkirk, Highlands

Richard Craig Guthrie: Angus

James Sellers: USA

The Scots have it. Great to have you all on board. Next AGM in Scotland?